How do I get my partner to ...?

It's a truism that one of the most asked questions on any sex forum is "How can I get my partner to...?" And while I'd venture to say that it's one of the most asked questions on any forum, I'm going to deal strictly with sexuality.

It probably goes without saying that one needs to keep the lines of communication open, but that's pretty easy to say from the safety of my comfy chair. For those of us who are already wresting with the idea that we have kinks in the first place, it's doubly difficult to open these discussions up with partners that we, through years of association, believe will be horrified, sickened, or run screaming into the street. That said, however, we also need to understand that not talking about them certainly isn't going to get us anywhere.

Unfortunately, when some of do initiate the conversations, we - and this applies mainly, although not exclusively, to men - often get it wrong by addressing exactly the kinds of things that our partners least want to hear, often ignoring the most important things that we should be addressing, such as our thoughts and feelings about the activity. For example, on the chastity and orgasm denial web forums I often see questions like "How do I convince my wife that she should use a chastity device on me and get her to enjoy the control that it will have over me?" And unbelievably, so many men read the websites promoting the "benefits of keeping your man in chastity" and are stunned when their wives or girlfriends don't seem to care about having their man "under control."

First of all, if you are already having a problem in your relationship, then understand that bringing up a kinky desire is not the way to start improving your emotional intimacy. If your wife won't even discuss sex, let alone your kinks, then you have a serious communication problem that you need to solve before you move on to other things, be it chastity or bondage or golden showers. Until the both of you are talking to each other, you won't "convince" her of anything, except that you're being insensitive.

Too, even if you can manage to begin a conversation, understand that not all women have some fantasy of being a dominatrix to a chaste male slave husband. To many people, the very idea of it is "kinky", and as we all know, nice people don't do kink. Who else but a sick perverted kinkster would want a few hundred dollars worth of plastic or metal wrapped around their cock and balls?

On the subject of chastity devices, most of the chastity-oriented websites point out the many benefits for the partner, saying in essence: "Your husband will worship and you and adore you because he'll want to please you so that you'll allow him an orgasm."

Yeah, okay.

When you present it to your wife, are you pointing out how she could order you around and assign points for when you cook dinner, wash her car, make breakfast, do the shopping, give her a massage, etc.? And she still didn't go for it? I wonder why not? I'm sure it's not because she was thinking, "That big jerk! Why doesn't he do those things for me NOW? Why do I have to indulge some kinky fantasies in order to get him to be more attentive?"

See, so many of the websites have all these rules about earning points, scheduled releases and orgasms, and all sorts of things that actually make it a real pain in the ass for someone who doesn't care for those kinds of game in the first place. A woman who isn't naturally dominant or who doesn't have much interest would probably ask "What's in it for me that I shouldn't already be getting from my partner?"

Anyway, my point is that if you're not already communicating intimately, then you have an issue in your relationship that needs to be addressed before you try to involve your partner in your kinks.