Tuesday, September 26

LFA = Loving Fundie Authority

I've been reading over some of the messages from several of the mailing lists and web groups that focus on certain aspects of D/s, notably the groups dealing with chastity and orgasm control. I've mentioned that over the last several years this has become one of my interests, although I'm not quite sure how it happened. Anyway, I and several others are usually on hand to answer some of the more technical questions that, er, arise.

Over the last couple of years, I have noticed that there is a certain class of response (or perhaps better to say a class of respondent) that shows up, usually right after a newbie voices a concern about wearing a device. I used to ignore this particular class of response, but lately I seem to see them popping up all over - and not specifically in the chastity groups. I'm not sure if this is a new thing, or if they have always been there and I'm simply noticing it more because it's similar to that phenonemon in which, for example, after you buy a red car you suddenly notice just how many red cars are on the road.

Let me give a more specific example. I recently read a message from someone who had introduced his girlfriend to the CB3000, and they've been playing with it on and off for several months. He wears it on weekends, or sometimes at work for a day or so, maybe up to several days at a time. She removes it and they have sex, and maybe she'll put it back on, or wait a day or maybe until later in the week. In other words, it's a new thing for them and they have been having a good time playing.

Now, he writes, she's suddenly getting really into it and wants him to wear it 24/7; she has told him that he might have to go for a week or two without orgasm, and that she'd like to work him up to going a month or more. He's nervous; like a lot of men, he's pretty well accustomed to several orgasms a week, either with a partner or not. He is worried about wearing the device 24/7 for both technical and emotional reasons. The technical problems - keeping it clean, getting used to the 4 a.m. erections, using it at work - are fairly easy to deal with, more so because he'd already been using the device.

More of a problem, though, is the emotional roller coaster that ensues when one chooses to allow another to make all of the sexual decisions. While he's happy that his girlfriend is taking an active role in their sex life, he's concerned about how he'll cope with the frustration. What if she gets "too far" into this? He's never been more than a few days without an orgasm, how will he manage to cope with a week or more? What if she makes him go two months? What if she doesn't remove the cage at all? How will he be able to control his frustration?

Now, these concerns are typical for people into this particular lifestyle, understandably so. He was asking, quite simply, "How do I cope with the emotions of excitement and frustration as I turn over this portion of my sexuality to my girlfriend?" Yet some of the responses posted to his message were, in my opinion, particularly unhelpful. Typical replies were comments like:

"You don't get any say in this, it's all your girlfriend's decision."
"Just get used to it and be thankful you get to lick her pussy."
"You're just a lowly male and should not be questioning the wisdom of the SUPERIOR FEMALE."
"Why are you even asking? You should never have any say in being released."
"Your desires don't count anymore, it's all about what SHE wants."
"Think you're complaining now? What are you going to do when she throws away the key and cuckolds you with other studs?"

At first, I just blew those remarks off as probably coming from the Clueless Subbie Types that don't have their own partners. But then I began to look at this type of response from a different perspective; taken one at a time they were easy to dismiss, but when seen in a group they presented a different message:

"That's the way it is."
"Your desires are not important."
"Who are you to question authority?"

Where have I heard those messages before? The first thing that came to mind was hearing this message at church; God wants you to do (or not do) this. Don't ask questions, just give yourself over. Of course, I've also heard that message as a youngster in school, at various jobs, and from both major political parties. It's the war cry of the Fundamentalist.

While it would be easy to pick on religious fundies, the fact is that virtually every interest group seems to develop a cadre of those who prefer to see strict adherence to seemingly endless sets of rules - and the more rules, the better. And while it would also be easy to pick on the Gor groupies, at least they let you know right up front that they have all sorts of rules. No, the fundies that worry me are the ones who have a set of rules made up only in their own heads and can't understand why everyone else is not following the same script.

As I went back to read those unhelpful responses to various other messages, a pattern began to emerge. Apparently, in the Fundamentalist Femdomme world all men are inferior creatures, and all WOMEN (note the capital letters - that's always an important clue) are SUPERIOR to men in every way and men should learn their place. But some other rules emerge as well:
Men should never be allowed an orgasm, unless at the permission of the SUPERIOR FEMALE and usually by some painful and/or humiliating methods. Orgasm inside a SF is to be a rare and appreciated gift. Oral sex is the preferred manner for men to give pleasure to the SF, and should never be reciprocated. Oh, and men should be made to wear women's underwear to add to their daily humiliation - although I can't seem to understand why wearing the apparel of the SUPERIOR partner would be humiliating. But that's a topic for another day.

In other words, if you want to play in the "kinky" or the "femdom" sandbox, then it's all or nothing.

I don't understand what causes people to be attracted to fundamentalism, nor do I understand the motivation to impose these viewpoints on people who are obviously not playing in the same sandbox, let alone in the same game. In my earlier example, here we have a young couple that is obviously having a good time playing together; I can't even imagine what he must have thought in reading those kinds of responses to his concerns.

Even more interesting, and in retrospect perhaps a bit disturbing, is that nobody called these Femdom Fundies to task for their responses. Nobody said "Hey, lighten up, he's a newbie," or Dude, chill out - they're just getting started," or even "It's nice that you have your desires, but please don't impose your kinks on someone else."

I didn't call them on it, either, and I confess that until very recently the thought to do so hadn't even occurred to me. I now wonder how many people, new to either a BDSM lifestyle or simply new to some kind of kink play have read the various "Thou shalt not" pronouncements and thought to themselves how strange that a group that is outside of the "vanilla mainstream" mirrors some of the worst qualities of that world.

Friday, September 15

When Someone You Love is Kinky - 2

This is the second part in a series, describing how I finally brought out my desires and thoughts on kink to my wife, and some of the ways in which it affected our relationship.

What follows is an reworked version of something written for another group, but which seems particularly appropriate to post here. This took place about three years ago, several months after my previous article. We had been in couples therapy for about eight months at the time this was written.

Four or five months ago, I had brought up that I wanted to give Janet Hardy's book to my wife, but I had some concerns that she would use this kind of information as leverage in visitation with my daughter (we'd been separated for the better part of a year). Over the last couple of months, we've been able to get a lot of the issues on the table, including certain issues about trust. I brought up my concerns about her using my desires for some kink and other "sexual creativity" against me in that respect, and it's led to some good conversations.

A few weeks ago, we realized that we were at a point in counseling where we were kind of stuck. I admitted in therapy that I have some issues that I've been hesitant to bring up, and since I really hate it when somebody drops a bomb and just sits there, I figured that I should do something about it. So that weekend, I arranged a sitter and we went out for dinner. We had a nice time, went back to my apartment for a bit, and finally I bit down on the bullet and came out with it.

I explained that I couldn't do the plain vanilla routine any longer, that there were things that I had fantasized about for a long time but have had to keep buried, and how much living a secret life inside my head has affected our relationship. I gave her the book, having highlighted some sections that I thought were relevant.

To her credit, she didn't freak; instead she took a moment to digest things, and I allowed her to ask me questions on that subject. First, she said that she knew that it was something huge that I was about to drop on her, and she had been wondering if
I was going to tell her that I was gay. Then we got into the serious questions. She asked if it meant that I expected to dress in leather all the time, if I liked pain, did I want to involve other people, animals, or what. In other words, she pretty much brought up all of the stereotypes that are constantly displayed in the movies and on TV. I was sweating like crazy by this time, and I did my best to answer things as openly and as honestly as possible.

For the next few days, we talked. And talked. And then talked some more. For me, it was a huge relief to finally get that off my chest, and I answered all questions and pointed her toward as much web information as I could find (I had already marked some of the "softer" femdommish sites, along with other kink information). On her part, she took some initiative and checked out some of the web resources listed in the back of the book, something that I didn't think that she would actually do on her own. Finally, she asked me if she should take a knot-tying course, and after a good laugh we started to get into some serious discussions as to what it meant for the relationship as a whole. As a good part of my kink runs to D/s and female dominant fantasies, I copied several excellent web sites and printed them out for her to read. She took some time to try to understand why I like certain things, quite different from a year or two ago when she was dismissive, if not downright critical. She told me how she felt about things, and I gave her every opportunity to discuss her concerns.

Understand that this talking did not all take place in one night, nor even in one week. This was several weeks of talking between work and children and other social responsibilities. We made as much time as possible to talk, though, which was important to me because for years I had been the one to complain that we never had any intimate time. And I want to stress that probably for the first time since we were married I felt as if she was actually interested in what I had to say, and she really seemed to work hard at trying to understand what I was trying to say. I covered more than just sex, of course, but I tried to express everything in the context of needing a different way to relate, both sexually and intimately.

One night, we were in the middle of making love, and we talked about sexual things - turn-ons, scenes, likes, dislikes, etc., when my wife began to open up and describe something that we had done a few years back that used to push her "hot" button; and for reasons she couldn't explain, even though she enjoyed it in the past, she had always felt hesitant to bring it up again. On my part, since she never brought it up, I figured that she was politely avoiding the issue so as not to embarrass me. As we talked about it, it seemed that it could be a nice introduction into D/s play for both of us. It involved a little bit of equipment (always a turn-on for me), and it involved her taking some control over me (something that turned her on), and something that could be done discreetly enough so that she could ease into it to see if she felt comfortable with the idea. Sounded like a win-win scenario to both of us at the time.

And that's how the next day found me wearing a chastity device.

It was something that I had built several years earlier, having seen pictures of some bulky contraptions on several other websites. Since I own a small machine shop, it was fairly easy for me to build something more customized. We used it several times for anywhere from a long weekend to a couple of weeks, but we never talked about what we were doing or how we were feeling about it, and never went back to discuss what we thought after a period was finished. On my part, since most other discussion about sex seemed to be met with disinterest, I figured that it was just some quirk of hers, and was always too embarrassed to bring it up again. She still can't describe why she wouldn't bring it up herself.

We played with it for a day or two, and in the course of talking, I mentioned that there was a new model on the market (the CB3000 had just come out a few months earlier). She looked at the website and decided that we needed to order one. I got a little embarrassed and explained that I'd already bought one a couple of months earlier, just because it seemed like such a cool thing. It was back at my apartment, where I'd wear it at night or on weekends. "You've got to go get it," she said, and the next day I picked it up after work and showed her how it worked. She seemed thrilled, and kept touching the device, even after it was on.

Suffice it to say that the entire concept of taking control of my/our sex life became a huge turn-on for her, and since then she's been almost insatiable about it. In fact, it's been working so well for her, and she seems to be enjoying herself so much that I have stopped asking if she's going along for my benefit, and started wondering if she's going to outpace me. I'm sure that this won't last, but I'm enjoying the little honeymoon period for now.

That being said, we both understand that there are other issues in our relationship that may not work out quite so easily, however we also understand that we can approach those kinds of issues in the same manner: by being honest and not assuming that the other is thinking or wanting something without checking it out first.

I'm sure that there's a lesson here someplace...

Now, I know that there are quite a few readers who have been in circumstances similar to mine, and who have questions about my wife and I handled this. Understand that I do not believe that everyone would respond in the same way. However, I do want everyone to understand that, especially in a relationship of five, ten, twenty years, that your partner has as much at stake in the relationship as you do!

Go back and read that again. I think that most of us - myself included - have (or have had) a very difficult time understanding this point. We've invested a lot of time and energy into our relationship, which is often whey we're afraid to bring up kink in the first place: we're afraid that in doing so we risk losing the love of our partner. Worse, I think that some people begin to believe that their partner will be all too ready to toss five or even twenty-five years of a relationship out the window; and what holds them back from explaining their desires to their partner is the fear that their partner really doesn't care enough to accept them.

That's a horrible thought to live with, isn't it?

No matter what you think her (or his) reaction will be, once you've finally gotten over the fear of talking about your desires and concerns, it's possible that you will discover that your partner loves you enough to accept those things in you. And if they can't accept them, then it's better for your own mental health to get on with dealing with the solid facts, rather than the ambiguous and indeterminate fears.

When Someone You Love is Kinky - 1

I've been reading several blogs (notably Jamie's) in which the writers express some concern about bringing up their long-held desires, be they for D/s, LFA, or some femdom play. Several people have remarked that it was the hardest thing that they've ever needed to talk about with their partners, and from personal experience, I'd have to agree. Those of us who have had to wrestle with feeling guilty over these desires have probably walked that conversation through in our minds hundreds, perhaps thousands of times, and each time imagining our partner reacting with shock, revulsion, or even indifference - which kept us from bringing it up in real life. Even the trial balloon method of casual mentions, or pointing to TV or movie character or situations probably were met with ambiguous responses, making us hesitant to pursue the subject further for fear of being too pushy.

My own experience in this is mixed. I've known I was kinked since I was a young teen, and often had general fantasies of bondage and instruments of delicious torture wielded by deliciously cruel women (the term "Dominatrix" didn't come into my vocabulary until my mid-teens) clad in leather and tight spandex. I was in my very late teens or early twenties before I had a girlfriend who was interested in experimenting with these and other fantasies; we both enjoyed them immensely, and I was forever hooked.

After that college romance ended, I still believed that everyone would enjoy some kink activities, and so spent several very frustrated years as various other girlfriends turned up their noses and said "You want to try what?" Eventually I became convinced that there really was something wrong with me, and tried to bury those desires. There was no internet back then, and living in a small town meant that my options for exploration were severely limited. That's why I was happy to have met my wife, who seemed to have a pretty hearty appetite for sex, and a desire to try some "different" things with me. Our dating was fun and exciting, and we seemed pretty well matched.

Then we got married.

I know that this is a stereotype, but from where I'm sitting it seems like there's nothing like marriage, children, a house, and careers to really take the intimate joy out of a relationship. Or so my thinking went for years as my wife became more interested in church bake sales and PTA meetings than she seemed in me, and I'm sure that my working 60 top 70 hours a week at a new business didn't help matters, either. But the upshot is that we spent a good ten years never talking about anything more intimate than the kids, the next vacation, the next social obligation, and the next room to be painted. I gave up on trying to improve our sex life and concentrated on trying to improve our intimacy, but without much success. Long story short, after twelve years of marriage I found an apartment and moved out, expecting that there would be no way to work out our differences. Over the next year we tried counseling, but some things just weren't "gelling", and one of those things was my concern about her acceptance of my desires. Of course, there could be no acceptance if I was unwilling to bring them out in the open.

I'm posting an edited version of something that I wrote in another group:

I've written here a few times about some of my marital problems, more on-topically, about the lack of sexual intimacy, frequency, and variety. We've been separated since February, although we're still going to counseling together. We've been working on a number of other issues that have come up in the marriage, some hers, some mine. She remains hopeful that we can patch things up, I'm doubtful but trying to keep at least a partially open mind.

Anyway, early in the sessions, I told the counselor that I didn't want to discuss the sexual stuff, or rather, that it would be some time before I'd be ready to discuss it. This was due, in part, to some rather hurtful remarks from my wife over the last few years about my desire for what she called "kinky bondage shit". She threatened to make things difficult for me to have access to my daughter, and in fact, told several of her friends about some of the things that I'd mentioned that I'm into. She also threatened to pass around some of the erotic stories that I'd written to her over the years, stories that feature some rather non-vanilla sex. I should stress that these stories are tame compared to some of the things that people discuss on this group, but they are still certainly outside the mainstream. And that's not even to mention that they were things that I had written only for her and myself, as personal, say, as passing around love letters. In other words, without any basis for me to trust that what I said in therapy would stay between us, I wasn't about to get into anything that would make if more difficult for me later on.

A few months ago, I picked up Janet Hardy's book (written under the pseudonym Catherine Liszt, with Dossie Easton) "When Someone You Love is Kinky". I found it well written, and presented some of the issues and problems of "kinky" people in a casual and non-threatening fashion. Okay, enough of a plug. It was a good read, and it helped me become a little more comfortable with myself.

Anyway, we're getting to the point in therapy where we're going to be talking about the sex. We've had sex a few times in the past few months, obviously vanilla flavored. Lately, though, I haven't been interested in having sex with her. I know that this is making her upset, and although we're just tiptoeing around the subject this week, I know that we can't put it off much longer. So I was thinking about giving her the book and asking her to read it. I figured that I could give it to her at a session, or perhaps the night before a session, so that we could at least broach the subject in the relative safety of a somewhat controlled environment.

I'm not sure what I expect to gain by this. At one time I had hoped that she would read it and it would help her to understand that my desires and fantasies aren't something that I can change (or not easily), and now that I've had a few months of breathing room, I've realized that I don't want to change; to the contrary, I want to explore further. It's as if I had started something that I had to put on hold after we married, and now I can't put it off anymore. I still have the same concerns, of course, in that in reading this book she'd have "proof" that I'm somehow perverted and therefore, wouldn't "deserve" to have access to my daughter. And of course, she could then pass around the book or read sections of it to my friends and family and social circle in order to either embarrass me, or to "prove" that there's something wrong with me. On the other hand, I guess if she's going to do that, then she's going to do it anyway with the other personal stuff, so what's the difference, right? I'm not giving the book to her to get her to change her mind, or to convince her to take a walk on the wild side. I think I'm more doing this in order to drive home the point that we have some differences that most likely can't be overcome by just "going out to dinner more often".

There are several more parts to this that I'll post when I get the time. In the next part, I'll discuss what happened when I finally did sit down with her, gave her the book, and made myself about as vulnerable as I've ever done.

Tuesday, September 12

Stealth Submission

In several of the groups that read, I often see messages from men who have desire to be submissive to their partners - generally a wife of some years. Like many who first discover a way to vent on the internet, their questions usually take the form of "How can I get my partner to..." I sympathize, of course, because I've been there, done that, and bought the postcards from the edge. For many of us, this is not a good place to be, emotionally speaking; I still remember all too well the frustration and heartache, the actual pain from having to keep years of fantasies and images and scenes locked up inside my head, not being able to share these with my wife, not to even have the opportunity to talk about them let alone act anything out.

When I read these messages on the various web forums, I often see other men in like circumstances trying to give helpful and supportive responses. They frequently suggest that the writer should imagine that his partner is domming him, and to keep that feeling in mind as he performs various "submissive" acts: Do the laundry, wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, get up early and make her coffee, give foot rubs and back massages without pressuring her for sex, and other similar acts of consideration are suggested. The underlying reasoning is that these are acts that a partner would enjoy anyway, and if one performs them with the mindset of being submissive, then they can fulfill their own fantasies and hopefully slowly bring their partners around to a dommish way of thinking. I've seen this humorously described as "stealth submission." I've tried this, myself, and while we had a cleaner house I never realized that sense of fulfillment. I now understand why:

I was doing pleasurable acts while fantasizing. In another context that would be called "masturbation."

Before any one flames me, I am not saying that there is something wrong with masturbating. I enjoy it; sometimes I've done it as a "quickie" way to take the sexual edge off, sometimes I've had long involved sessions, and sometimes I've done it to help fall asleep. That's not the point I'm trying to make. But sometimes what I want is not an orgasm; sometimes I want interaction. I want to be acknowledged.

I want a partner. I want a relationship.

And that's what was lacking for me when I've tried stealth submissiveness - I want some acknowledgement that my partner - my beautiful wife - knows and understands what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I want her to actively participate, to give some thought to why I'm doing this, and - perhaps more importantly - can take some pleasure herself in knowing and understanding.

I want, I want, I want. Doesn't sound very "submissive", does it?

I continue to get up earlier than my wife to make the coffee. I continue to clean the bathroom and load the dishwasher and scrub the pans after I cook dinner. I rub her feet or her back or her neck, and make sure all the electronic devices are operating correctly - just as I did from the beginning of our relationship. But it's no longer an expression of submission for me; rather, it's an expression of consideration, a demonstration that she can count on me to be there for her.

In another context, I guess that this would be called "caring." We're still working on the "relationship" part.

Thursday, September 7

Welcome to The Edge of Vanilla

For those of you reading my original blog "The Tao of Me", I've moved to this journal (taking some of my favorites from the old one) for two reasons.

One is that the BloggerBeta was giving me some technical problems that made things inconvenient. I'm all about simplifying my life, and instead of hacking everything, it seemed easier to start from scratch.

The other is that the title of this blog is a better reflection of the direction that I'd like to see my journal take; an exploraton of sexuality and relationships, but with an acknowledgement that my own sexuality and thoughts and desires tend toward areas that seem to be just outside of the mainstream.

For old readers and those that know me through other groups and forums: thanks for continuing with your support and feedback.

For those who have just discovered me: I hope that this will be interesting enough for you to become regular readers.

Tom Allen

Monday, September 4

Equal Time

I've noticed a trend in the FLR and related blogs lately, from people who are irritated with that particular genre to which I'm going to refer as the "Clueless Subby Type", or the CST. Picking on the CSTs that seem to populate the D/s forum communities may seem to be like shooting fish in a barrel, and frankly, I'm sure that we'll return to this a few more times in the future. That being the case, and in the interests of "equal time", I just wanted to share something that shows that the CSTs aren't the only ones with issues.

Once in a while I fire up Yahoo Messenger to play with the online music, weather, stuff like that. My favorite time to do this is when I really should be working, but I'm feeling brain-dead and I need a charge. Late one recent afternoon the notice came up that someone was trying to IM me. Here's a slightly edited transcript that you might find to be amusing. The speeling and; punctuation has been preserved, but other details have been changed to protect the guilty.

CDT: r u the tom that writes all that stuff on the group?
(This is not an unusual IM or email; I field a lot questions for people looking for help, tips, and support on chastity devices and orgasm denial.)

Me: WHich group?

CDT: the chastity gorup.

Me: THere's a couple of dozen., Do you remember which one?
(I ask because I like to keep track of that, but it's not really important)

CDT: the chastity group on Yahoo
(Duh! THere's only about a dozen...)

Me: Yeah, that's me. Need help with something?

CDT: u write a lot of good stuff.

(Okay, compliments on my writing. Good for a few points. )
Me: Thanks

CDT: r u in chastity now tom?

Me: Yes, I am.

CDT: how long have u been in chastity?

Me: ABout four or five weeks now.
(by now I'm starting to check his yahoo profile to make sure that it's not some 14 year old.)

CDT: who is your kh?
(This is a typical abbreviation for Key Holder, partner or other person that holds the keys for a chastity device.)

Me: My wife. I've written about this.

CDT: ur married?
(Okay, now minus a few points. CDT has now committed the ultimate sin. Egotistical writers can manage to believe that you haven't read their stuff, but we can't forgive your completely forgetting what you did read. Now I start to get a teeny bit snarky.)

Me: Do the math.
(short pause)

CDT: u havent cum since 4 wks?

Me: No, I haven't even been let out.

CDT: ur kh doesn't let u out?
(Yup, I'm going to go from snarky to downright sarcastic in a minute.)

Me: No. If you've read my stuff, you might have seen that we like to go 24/7 for long terms.
(short pause)

CDT: my name is Don. whats urs?
(And this seems to check out with his profile, in which he appears to be a 40 yo gay male from the mid-west and into BDSM. )

Me: My name is Tom. You know, just like how I sign my posts and how it looks on the email.

CDT: I am a DOM.

Me: OK, cool

CDT: I like to be called SIR.

(Okay, I'm momentarily thrown for a loop. I had Don pegged as somebody who wanted advice on chastity devices, perhaps to use on his "boi". I suspect that Don is collecting CSTs and expects me to play along. Since I'm not the clueless one here, I tack differently than he expects.)
Me: I found tht it happend when I got older. Maybe it's the grey hair that does it.

(short pause)
CDT: ??? What?

Me: I get called "sir" a lot now that I'm older.
(Okay, that was too easy, but it was funny to me at the time.)

CDT: no tom, I am a DOM. People call me SIR DON.
(Yeah, sure. And notice his distinctive, if not particularly creative use of capital letters?)

Me: Do you want them to?

CDT: theyre supposed to. I am a DOM after all.
(I imagine that Don must now think I'm the crazy or clueless one. )

Me: Okay. cool. Is there something I can help you with?

CDT: yes...

(Don now asks some questions about - as I originally suspected - getting a chastity device for his "boi". He asks about the difference between the CB2000 and the CB3000, to which I point him to the damn web pages. I recommend the 3k, mainly because it's more passable under street clothing. I'm finally getting over my snarky fit, when he changes gears...)

CDT: which 1 do u wear?
(Okay this guy is just not paying attention. I've written about it for almost three years and have mentioned it to him several times in our IM.)

Me: Like I said, I've been using the CB3k for almost 3 years.

CDT: do u have a DOM?

Me: No

CDT: do u want me to be ur DOM?
(Major WTF moment here. I suddenly realize that I've wasted the last ten minutes.)

Me: You haven't been paying attention, have you?
Me: My wife is my KH and we're very happy with the arrangement.

CDT: ur not very respctful to me.

Me: What??

CDT: u don't act like a sub.

(Oh damn. I'm now at a loss for words, but only because I can only think of four letter ones.)

CDT: don't u know how subs are supposed to act?

Me: Why would that matter to me? I'm not in a D/s relationship, nor do I play publicly.

CDT: subs r supposed to be respectful to DOMS

Me: I don't have a dom. I'm not a sub. kinda goes togehter, you know?

CDT: u wear a cb. u must be a sub.

Me: CDT, I'm not a sub. I'm not in D/s relationship. I capitalize my name. My wife even does the laundry.

CDT: then why do u wear a cb?

Me: CDT, have you actually been *reading* the stuff that I write, or were you just looking at the pictures?

(Short pause)

CDT: wear are ur pics?

(There is a thumping noise as my jaw drops open and hits the desk.)

Me: There are no pics.
Me: I wear a CB3k sometimes because it spices up our sex life. My wife likes it, and I like anything that makes her interested. Get it?

CDT: I thought cbs were only for subs.

(I'm in the middle of writing a nasty sentence when this next line comes in.)

CDT: maybe u don't know if ur a sub.

Me: I think I'd know that. Look, my wife really likes when I wear one. I like her to be happy.

CDT: ur wife is ur DOMME?

(I'm starting to give up here. )
Me: I guess in a very general way, yes.

CDT: u have a DOMME so u must be a sub. is that why u wear a cb?

(And here I throw in the towel because I can't take anymore.)
Me: I can't think of a better reason, can you?

And so I logged off at this point, before he could get a chance to ask me why my wife allows me to use capital letters in my name.

Saturday, September 2

Helpful Suggestions

There is often a synchronicity in communities, and it's with some amusement that I have seen Richard Evans Lee and now Candace touching on a subject that has also been on my own mind. Candace has an amusingly titled post, sparked to some degree by what I call the "helpful suggestions" sent in by some readers. Richard notes that it's especially a problem for women bloggers, especially women taking on more dominant roles in their relationships. The point is that some of us choose to use these more or less public forums to ruminate, to think out loud, and to perhaps smooth the way for others; while we appreciate most of the comments, some of them seem to be nothing more than an indulgence of their own fantasies.

I've mentioned that I often get emails from people (mostly, but not always, men) interested in orgasm denial and chastity, topics on which I've written on in various internet groups. Occasionally, though, I also get my share of helpful suggestions. At first it simply surprised me, but eventually I, like Candace, began to wonder at the motivation for some of these people (mostly, but not always, men) to make these suggestions. Having now dealt with this for a couple of years, I now tend to read these with mild amusement.

While I'm not particularly squicked by most fetishes and kinks, there are quite a few that hold absolutely no interest for me. For instance, I love the soft, silky-satiny feel of women's lingerie... on women. I've had "helpful suggestions" that during those times when my wife would like me to wear a chastity device, she should also make me wear her panties to remind me of my lowly submissive status.

Um, excuse me? Where the hell did that come from?

I'm not even going to get started on the paradox of why those who consider women to be "superior" think women's clothing on men makes them "inferior". That's an entire topic unto itself. No, my question is this: I've made it pretty clear in my writings that my wife and I do not exactly have a D/s relationship, and that we sometimes practice chastity and denial play to spice up our marriage. So why do some people think that telling me to wear panties would be helpful? Or telling me that my wife should only unlock the device if I've gained so many "points"? And notice the paradox in that one: how could I, as an "inferior male" tell my "superior female" of a wife what to do? Don't these people understand the concept of "dominant"?

Apparently not.

Over the years, I have posted handful of erotic stories on various locations around the web, including the ever interesting Literotica. Someone once sent me a response, complimenting me on one of the stories that I had posted there, involving a couple with the man in a long-term chastity situation. I replied, thanking him for the compliment. He responded by asking me if I had ever thought of a sequel in which the couple hooked up with another couple in which the wife was in chastity. I answered, no, although it was an interesting idea. He then wrote suggesting a storyline in which the man and woman who were not in chastity devices had sex with each other while their partners had to look on in frustration, or perhaps to assist. I politely answered that it was interesting, but since I had other projects to work on, that he shouldn't hold his breath waiting. He then responded by saying that if I could work in a twist in which the people wearing devices had to be diapered or better, to wear rubber pants, then that would be even better still.

I did not answer further. I do hope he's not waiting.