No, this is not about the history of fetishes. I'm just taking a moment to mention that the cottage industry of kink that is otherwise known as Richard - the pansexual polyfetishist - apparently does not had enough to do with the dozen or so blogs and feed aggregates that he manages; so he has just begun a web message board:
The board is for the discussion of D/s, BDSM, kink and fetishes. He hopes to have it develop as a low-profile operation for the education of those who are new to the lifestyle, who have questions but might be embarrassed to post at some of the more heavily trafficked groups. There are discussion groups ranging from the psychology and philosophy of D/s, to practical tips on bondage, to chastity and orgasm denial, to... well, you'll just have to see for yourself. I'll be checking in regularly to answer questions on chastity and orgasm denial, and I expect that some other well-known blogsters will be dropping by, as well.
Richard and I have exchanged an email or three over the last couple of years, and I have always found him to be calm, serious, and not disposed to suffering those from the Church of the One True Way lightly. I suspect that there are a number of people who read the various blogs who have questions about these topics that won't be answered on them. Discussion boards can be a great resource for those who are looking for some education and support, and I urge anyone who might be too shy to post on the Comments sections to drop by and check things out.
Sometimes it's simply too difficult to keep one's mind in the game. All those rules and regulations start running together, and if you're not focused you'll wake up one morning and realize that you're confused, and that some Dick will tell you that you're not as real as you once thought you were. Then the existential questions will follow. W/which L/letters G/get C/capitalized? Who gets and who gives the oral? Which one of you gets on top? Should you really need the restraints? Where's the corkscrew for that bottle of golden champagne? And whatever happened to that steaming hot sex you were having?
In other words, smoking more now, but enjoying it less?
Take heart - now there's hope for the busy would-be kinksters who simply don't have time for those D/s ettiquette courses. A recently dicovered Tantric manuscript found in the Earl of Edgerton's library (that is, under the cracked floorboard of the coat closet in the pantry next to the library) describes the long-forgotten art of becoming less "dommier" or "subbier" than the next person, while still managing to increase one's inner pleasure. And since the Earl is already not having sex with more women than he can handle, he has graciously offered to have copies of the manuscript made and passed into the public domain.
Goddesses, Ladies, Mistresses, and Womyn can now learn the re-discovered ancient esoteric and erotic art of "Fauxdomination."
And just as importantly, slaves, would-be slaves, groveling worms, pets, and ambulatory washbasins who have not been able to keep their thoughts focused properly can now learn the ancient art of "fauxmissiveness." Like Fauxdomination, fauxmissiveness is 1/3 easier to practice, and 42% faster to learn.
No longer will a Domme have to weigh the consequences of allowing a submissive to think for himself. Likewise, submissives will no longer have to wonder if they are being selfish when they complain of work pressure, chest pain, or missing appendages.
A smart Fauxdomme will begin training her pet as a fauxmissive without delay. Unless it's really inconvenient right now. But later is good, too.
The Earl apologizes for not making a personal appearance to announce this important find. It seems that he has been somewhat distraught ever since somebody mailed to him a small package (it came C.O.D.) containing a large popsicle stick with a number of rubber bands stapled to the tip.
Yes, my WordPress blog was entered in the latest Sugasm sex blogger roundup.
Sugasm #63
The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #63? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
That sound (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
All she wanted was a cold drink when she woke up (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)
Once, a long time ago (http://excessesofabasement.blogspot.com)
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Angelina Jolie’s Real Marvelous Breasts (http://sugarbank.com)
Editor’s Choice
What Really Really Sucks (http://alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)
Erotic Writing and Experiences
Begging for it (http://dirtylittlecockslut.blogspot.com)
Cheerleading Camp (http://lostinperversion.com)
Chicago! (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)
Release (http://pick-up-pieces.blogspot.com)
Sex with D (http://plum001.blogspot.com)
Use Me Up (an RPG) (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)
The Workout (http://eroticjournals.blogspot.com)Sex and Politics
Michigan: Adultery Punishable By Life Behind Bars (http://smutandsteff.com)
Sex News, Reviews and Interviews
The Eroticism of Dance: Matthew Bourne’s ‘Swan Lake’ (http://adelehaze.com)
Interview with a Masturbator (http://masturbationblogs.blogspot.com)
Stunt Cock Casting Call (http://www.lovehoney.co.uk)
Ultime G-Spot Vibrator Review (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
Sex Work
Devoted Pets Learn To Adjust Their Lives For Princess (http://www.phonesexsub.com/brat_blog/)
My Wonderful Adult Life (http://www.model-chat.com)
Sexy Sausages And Scary STDs (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)
BDSM and Fetish
Canings for a good cause (http://pandorablake.blogspot.com)
Happy HNT - Spank me panties and threesome fun (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)
Is it Friday yet? (http://vanillaedge.wordpress.com)
[Yes, that' s my story! ]
Morning canings at school, re-visited (http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)
No cane, no pain, no gain! (http://blog.sex-mad-witch.com)
Spanking the Monkey!! (http://theriverdalegoddess.typepad.com)
Yes Sir (http://www.suzanneportnoy.com)
Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
A Niners Tale For the Feminists (http://loladavid.wordpress.com)
Of My Untried Fantasies, and Many Other Thoughts (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)
Sestina for Zoe (http://sweatshopsissy.wordpress.com)
Thoughts on Monogamy (http://deliciously-naughty.typepad.com)
Spank Me panties courtesy of Journey to the Darkside.
Four or five months ago, I had brought up that I wanted to give Janet Hardy's book to my wife, but I had some concerns that she would use this kind of information as leverage in visitation with my daughter (we'd been separated for the better part of a year). Over the last couple of months, we've been able to get a lot of the issues on the table, including certain issues about trust. I brought up my concerns about her using my desires for some kink and other "sexual creativity" against me in that respect, and it's led to some good conversations.
A few weeks ago, we realized that we were at a point in counseling where we were kind of stuck. I admitted in therapy that I have some issues that I've been hesitant to bring up, and since I really hate it when somebody drops a bomb and just sits there, I figured that I should do something about it. So that weekend, I arranged a sitter and we went out for dinner. We had a nice time, went back to my apartment for a bit, and finally I bit down on the bullet and came out with it.
I explained that I couldn't do the plain vanilla routine any longer, that there were things that I had fantasized about for a long time but have had to keep buried, and how much living a secret life inside my head has affected our relationship. I gave her the book, having highlighted some sections that I thought were relevant.
To her credit, she didn't freak; instead she took a moment to digest things, and I allowed her to ask me questions on that subject. First, she said that she knew that it was something huge that I was about to drop on her, and she had been wondering if
I was going to tell her that I was gay. Then we got into the serious questions. She asked if it meant that I expected to dress in leather all the time, if I liked pain, did I want to involve other people, animals, or what. In other words, she pretty much brought up all of the stereotypes that are constantly displayed in the movies and on TV. I was sweating like crazy by this time, and I did my best to answer things as openly and as honestly as possible.
For the next few days, we talked. And talked. And then talked some more. For me, it was a huge relief to finally get that off my chest, and I answered all questions and pointed her toward as much web information as I could find (I had already marked some of the "softer" femdommish sites, along with other kink information). On her part, she took some initiative and checked out some of the web resources listed in the back of the book, something that I didn't think that she would actually do on her own. Finally, she asked me if she should take a knot-tying course, and after a good laugh we started to get into some serious discussions as to what it meant for the relationship as a whole. As a good part of my kink runs to D/s and female dominant fantasies, I copied several excellent web sites and printed them out for her to read. She took some time to try to understand why I like certain things, quite different from a year or two ago when she was dismissive, if not downright critical. She told me how she felt about things, and I gave her every opportunity to discuss her concerns.
Understand that this talking did not all take place in one night, nor even in one week. This was several weeks of talking between work and children and other social responsibilities. We made as much time as possible to talk, though, which was important to me because for years I had been the one to complain that we never had any intimate time. And I want to stress that probably for the first time since we were married I felt as if she was actually interested in what I had to say, and she really seemed to work hard at trying to understand what I was trying to say. I covered more than just sex, of course, but I tried to express everything in the context of needing a different way to relate, both sexually and intimately.
One night, we were in the middle of making love, and we talked about sexual things - turn-ons, scenes, likes, dislikes, etc., when my wife began to open up and describe something that we had done a few years back that used to push her "hot" button; and for reasons she couldn't explain, even though she enjoyed it in the past, she had always felt hesitant to bring it up again. On my part, since she never brought it up, I figured that she was politely avoiding the issue so as not to embarrass me. As we talked about it, it seemed that it could be a nice introduction into D/s play for both of us. It involved a little bit of equipment (always a turn-on for me), and it involved her taking some control over me (something that turned her on), and something that could be done discreetly enough so that she could ease into it to see if she felt comfortable with the idea. Sounded like a win-win scenario to both of us at the time.
And that's how the next day found me wearing a chastity device.
It was something that I had built several years earlier, having seen pictures of some bulky contraptions on several other websites. Since I own a small machine shop, it was fairly easy for me to build something more customized. We used it several times for anywhere from a long weekend to a couple of weeks, but we never talked about what we were doing or how we were feeling about it, and never went back to discuss what we thought after a period was finished. On my part, since most other discussion about sex seemed to be met with disinterest, I figured that it was just some quirk of hers, and was always too embarrassed to bring it up again. She still can't describe why she wouldn't bring it up herself.
We played with it for a day or two, and in the course of talking, I mentioned that there was a new model on the market (the CB3000 had just come out a few months earlier). She looked at the website and decided that we needed to order one. I got a little embarrassed and explained that I'd already bought one a couple of months earlier, just because it seemed like such a cool thing. It was back at my apartment, where I'd wear it at night or on weekends. "You've got to go get it," she said, and the next day I picked it up after work and showed her how it worked. She seemed thrilled, and kept touching the device, even after it was on.
Suffice it to say that the entire concept of taking control of my/our sex life became a huge turn-on for her, and since then she's been almost insatiable about it. In fact, it's been working so well for her, and she seems to be enjoying herself so much that I have stopped asking if she's going along for my benefit, and started wondering if she's going to outpace me. I'm sure that this won't last, but I'm enjoying the little honeymoon period for now.
That being said, we both understand that there are other issues in our relationship that may not work out quite so easily, however we also understand that we can approach those kinds of issues in the same manner: by being honest and not assuming that the other is thinking or wanting something without checking it out first.
I'm sure that there's a lesson here someplace...
I've written here a few times about some of my marital problems, more on-topically, about the lack of sexual intimacy, frequency, and variety. We've been separated since February, although we're still going to counseling together. We've been working on a number of other issues that have come up in the marriage, some hers, some mine. She remains hopeful that we can patch things up, I'm doubtful but trying to keep at least a partially open mind.
Anyway, early in the sessions, I told the counselor that I didn't want to discuss the sexual stuff, or rather, that it would be some time before I'd be ready to discuss it. This was due, in part, to some rather hurtful remarks from my wife over the last few years about my desire for what she called "kinky bondage shit". She threatened to make things difficult for me to have access to my daughter, and in fact, told several of her friends about some of the things that I'd mentioned that I'm into. She also threatened to pass around some of the erotic stories that I'd written to her over the years, stories that feature some rather non-vanilla sex. I should stress that these stories are tame compared to some of the things that people discuss on this group, but they are still certainly outside the mainstream. And that's not even to mention that they were things that I had written only for her and myself, as personal, say, as passing around love letters. In other words, without any basis for me to trust that what I said in therapy would stay between us, I wasn't about to get into anything that would make if more difficult for me later on.
A few months ago, I picked up Janet Hardy's book (written under the pseudonym Catherine Liszt, with Dossie Easton) "When Someone You Love is Kinky". I found it well written, and presented some of the issues and problems of "kinky" people in a casual and non-threatening fashion. Okay, enough of a plug. It was a good read, and it helped me become a little more comfortable with myself.
Anyway, we're getting to the point in therapy where we're going to be talking about the sex. We've had sex a few times in the past few months, obviously vanilla flavored. Lately, though, I haven't been interested in having sex with her. I know that this is making her upset, and although we're just tiptoeing around the subject this week, I know that we can't put it off much longer. So I was thinking about giving her the book and asking her to read it. I figured that I could give it to her at a session, or perhaps the night before a session, so that we could at least broach the subject in the relative safety of a somewhat controlled environment.
I'm not sure what I expect to gain by this. At one time I had hoped that she would read it and it would help her to understand that my desires and fantasies aren't something that I can change (or not easily), and now that I've had a few months of breathing room, I've realized that I don't want to change; to the contrary, I want to explore further. It's as if I had started something that I had to put on hold after we married, and now I can't put it off anymore. I still have the same concerns, of course, in that in reading this book she'd have "proof" that I'm somehow perverted and therefore, wouldn't "deserve" to have access to my daughter. And of course, she could then pass around the book or read sections of it to my friends and family and social circle in order to either embarrass me, or to "prove" that there's something wrong with me. On the other hand, I guess if she's going to do that, then she's going to do it anyway with the other personal stuff, so what's the difference, right? I'm not giving the book to her to get her to change her mind, or to convince her to take a walk on the wild side. I think I'm more doing this in order to drive home the point that we have some differences that most likely can't be overcome by just "going out to dinner more often".
