Tuesday, November 28

Thoughts on "Thoughts"

Despite the aftermath of the Great Comment Fiasco in the Autumn of 2006, Ms. Susan herself has opted to comment on comments - to the delight of all nineteen of her most devout readers. To me, it's one of those self-referential "breaking the wall" situations, almost on the level of when Dilbert has a visitor from Family Circus, or when Jimmy Neutron gets zapped into the Fairly Oddparents world.

Yes, thirteen years of college have been wiped from my brain and I have been reprogrammed by Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network. Anybody else out there have children, or is it just me?

Anyway, she left a comment on a comment on an article from last week that I wanted to comment on.

In her post, she writes:

"In reality because D/s or FemDom is just play to us right now. My “dungeon” consists of a paddle, some scarves, padded cuffs, feathers, lotions, vibrators and a blindfold. Pretty much standard bachelorette party stuff. We have added a collar which we both adore and some new elements to our play. Quick and quiet are usually two really important elements for us. The little erotic stories can be read to each other late at night. And yes they contain some real life elements:)

"For me as a woman the real benefit to sexual exploration is the intimacy I am able to share with Tyler. It started out as sharing fantasies but the intimacy has spread into other non sexual areas of our marriage. That was much needed."

In case anyone missed the subtext, Sue and Ty are using some D/s activities to enhance their enjoyment of each other. They are teasing each other with BDSM fantasies in order to enhance their level of intimacy.

In short, they are playing.

And you know what? I think that this is great! They are playing, having fun, enjoying each other, living in the stolen moments when they don't have to make breakfast, correct homework, do the grocery shopping or unclog the toilet. So it came as a bit of a disappointment to read her further thoughts on this:

"[...] I take every thing in proportion but the blogs and websites I was reading were Goddess This and Mistress That. After a while they become completely unrelatable to my life situation.

"I know there is an outlet for my thoughts; I’m just not sure it’s blogging or at least blogging about “playing” D/s."

That's sad.

What's even more sad, is that between the time I started writing this article this morning and now, Susan has deleted several of her well-written posts, and has again disabled the comments.

I suspect that, despite what she's written in the now hidden comments, it's because she really did not want me to win a car.

There are dozens of web logs in this community, and more dozens of web forums and internet groups in which many of the regular contributors are so damned serious. S/slash writing protocols. Capital Letters for Dom/mes and lower case for subs/slaves. Week long discussions defining the difference between subs and slaves. I/introspective R/retrospectives on the A/author's J/journey (and why is it always a journey? Why isn't it ever a trek or a voyage or an expedition?).

I've heard - all too often - the nervousness of the newbies who are concerned that they aren't doing something "right", as if there were some kind of performance review at the end of the quarter. Not long ago, a woman on a chastity group emailed me because she had questions on how to be a Domme the "right way." She was concerned that she was enjoying herself too much to be a "real Dominatrix." Another woman was concerned because she enjoyed the sensation of her husband orgasming inside her, and - based on what she'd read - believed that as a Domme she was not "allowed" to do that anymore.

Recently, Bonnie of Collars'n'Cuffs posted an interesting rant:

"So many on the blogger sphere try to tell newbie's and the committed to the lifestyle you must do this or that, this way in order to member of the Femdom Fan club. [...] I don't blame a lot of the blogger's for disappearing or hiding when the answer they give are not the answers the reader wants to hear. or they are burnt out from the derivative thoughts and opinions. [...] I get it now you have to fit the Femdom mould in order to belong. "

While I don't think that anyone has flat out told Susan that she's doing something wrong, I get the impression that like a T/traveler on a J/journey to a place that is enjoyable to visit she's absorbed some of the local color and wondering how she "fits" into an environment in which Ladies, Mistresses and Goddesses trade tips on edge play while naked subs and the great uncollared cavort at their feet - the better to give foot massages, of course. And I wonder if, like me, she hasn't thought that perhaps she's a bit out of place because she doesn't make a second career out of Femdomming.

I write "like me" because our own dungeon is a couple of drawers in a bedside nightstand. More than once I've looked in on the various BDSM web forums, having felt embarrassed to post amid the veteran scene players, and decided to merely lurk, instead of becoming an active or even semi-active participant. I'm not sure why I feel so nervous, especially as I've spent a lot of time on various web groups trying to assuage the concerns of the new & nervous. Indeed, when I'm not being snarky with the clueless, I am usually explaining that it's perfectly acceptable to just play and have a good time, that not only do they not need to follow any rules, but that they'll have even more fun by stretching their imagination and making up their own rules as they go along.

Or better perhaps, making up no rules at all.

10 comments:

  1. No worries Tom. I’m doing great. I just did some winter cleaning of the blog and deleted the posts I did not like anymore. Sometimes my posts only stay up for a couple hours. I paint as well but I never save the canvases. Just living in the moment.

    I had email and comments turned off for good because blogging is supposed to be fun and I just want to keep it that way:)

    I think there are some people like myself that are more comfortable blogging away oblivious to the rest of the world. Everyone should do what works for them. Not a big deal to me.

    Your blog is a great service to people like Ty and myself who are “dabblers”. Please keep up the good work. You are a very kind and thoughtful man. By the way, you did not win the contest but I am giving you a new car as a lovely parting gift. Thanks for being a contestant on suewearsthepants.

    Have a great holiday season!

    Susan

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  2. Is anyone else sorely tempted to set up a "Fans of Susan" blog?

    i wonder if we'll still find out who wins the name contest?

    =)
    robert

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  3. Tom,

    I am, as you know, a huge proponent of development and growth, and so I believe newbies have to believe they do not know it all and that they must grow.

    I have never understood how that translates into "rules," although I've been accused of trying to establish rules so often its the first attack I expect from others who protest.

    ALL of your points are well taken and supported. Susan obviously has a clear attitude, from her above comment, suggesting that she will find her way in spite of what she's faced with. I think its possible to tell the difference between those with wisdom to share and those with an agenda--if one is prepared to look directly at the light.

    For Susan: even the word "dabbler" is a connotative put-down. You are a "practitioner" if you do nothing more than think about it. Think of it as a Practice rather than a Lifestyle and you'll never forget its about learning.

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  4. I know I've posted things and decided they weren't true in the sense they didn't adequately capture what I was feeling or I somehow failed to express myself clearly. I used to delete those. Anymore I feel that about 90% of my personal entries. I don't worry about it knowing that the topic will arise again. And it is interesting to look back and see where my feelings and thoughts have evolved from a year ago.

    While I write with a strong bias toward fetish and BDSM I often feel put off by the people who only two about themselves and their lover in terms of D/s roles. It sure seems like there are a lot of women named Mistress in this world. I like honorifics in a scene but out of that context they just make me laugh.

    Hopefully there will be more writers the lighter, gentler, sweeter side.

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  5. I guess that is why I never write from the perspective of the reader. I write what I write about me and what I am trying and discovering. Most of the time I am surprised someone else is reading it. I try not let that knowledge change what I do or say though. Just a very new newbie's point of view.

    BTW the toothpaste is almost completely out of the tube...

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  6. Cat -
    While I write for me, I try to do so in a way that it will reach out to the people who may be able to take something away to make it work for them.

    BTW, I like Tom's of Maine Fennel toothpaste. Or Cinnamint.


    Richard -
    Not long ago, I was Googling for something that I'd written a while back, and was amazed at both the insightful things I'd forgotten about, and the completely off-the-wall crap I'd also forgotten about. "Who was this guy?" is the question I asked my Goddess...

    Robert -
    A SWP Fan Club, eh? As it happens, the "I like extra anchovies on my pizza club" offered to donate their MySpace page, since they weren't getting much activity.

    I would offer to moderate the club, but it seems that every other SOB but me has won a damn car, so I'm going to instead play the role of the embittered outcast who nitpicks at everything.

    Sue -
    Some of those wacky ol' Tibetan monks will spend up to several weeks on
    sand painting,
    only to ceremonially dump the entire project into a river in order to symbolize the impermanence of all things.

    Would that they clean out my garage, instead, and do something useful for the community.

    Please continue to do what you do, and I'll continue to enjoy your professions of love and affection for Ty, that lucky SOB.

    Thanks you for the compliments. I've heard via email that there are other "dabblers" out there who appreciate those of us who don't have a St. Andrews cross in their living rooms trying to give another perspective. Your comment about your dungeon consisting of "bachelorette party" items struck home with several people.

    Please stop by once in a while. If I'm not around, then leave the keys to the car in the mail drop.

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  7. I think its possible to tell the difference between those with wisdom to share and those with an agenda--if one is prepared to look directly at the light.

    Alexis, I'm going to admit - as I did a couple of weeks ago - that I'm reacting partly out of my own issues with this. Like Sue, my own "dungeon" consists of a handful of items that could be crammed into one nightstand drawer, if we could find them all - some being stuffed in the back of the underwear, others being under the old tax returns, and others being used to keep the reading lamp from wobbling.

    I doubt that I'll ever go to a munch, much less a scene party; and that's doubly doubtful for my wife. She's sort-of interested in buying some leather gear, but only after she loses twenty pounds. We have a 14 year difference between children, so the youngest is nowhere near old enough to give us privacy for any extended period.

    All this is just to say that I, like Sue, often feel funny blogging in a community in which I seem to be one of the only players without a personalized collar.

    But it's not always about what we're doing, it's also about what we're thinking - which is why I keep at it.

    Thanks for your input.

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  8. "While I write for me, I try to do so in a way that it will reach out to the people who may be able to take something away to make it work for them."

    And you do an excellent job of it, I appreciate your comments too. Always insightful...

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  9. Tom,
    The car! The car! It's a Viper and this time Sue's NOT wearing the pants!

    i don't mind sharing, really i don't.

    But you better get there before it disappears. i think this is the newest blog sensation: post things only briefly and leave them wanting more. Didn't Sue say she is in advertising? I'm caching the page and grabbing a copy of that picture.

    =)
    robert

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  10. tom,
    you summed up in one line my entire post

    *****But it's not always about what we're doing, it's also about what we're thinking*********.

    yes I do have the massive amounts of play equipment and toys and the knowledge (lol well i think) on know how to use it, I've done the munches, the multiple subs and clubs.
    but when it all comes down to the core its the way you feel internally that counts, the way your brain ticks..if you feel you are submissive or dominate then you are.

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